Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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