I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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