I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Rumble strips road head = magical
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Randomize
