I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Still dying that you shit outside
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
