hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I CAN MOONWALK!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
