so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
