you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
