I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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