Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
