Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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