I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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