You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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