Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
