my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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