Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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