I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
