who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
