8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
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i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
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he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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