you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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