Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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