My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
