Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
