Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
