i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
