Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
