so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
