Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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