I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
