I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
