4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
