bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
