I'm really into asian looking animals
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
