so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You made out with two different species that night
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
