so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
