I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
