I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
