im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
