I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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