Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
