its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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