Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
