the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
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At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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