I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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