It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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