I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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