god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
