Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
