Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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