FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
