i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
