Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
