everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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