I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
